Enter Sandman: Sleeping advice from someone who cannot fall asleep

Ninety percent of my insomnia is due to not being able to shut off my head after I've shut off the lights. The other half (don't do the math or you won't sleep tonight either) is because even though it's mid-June, my house is already stupid-hot. The thermostat stopped displaying actual numbers a week ago and just reads, "You are inside a volcano. Sorry." Sweating and cursing don't tend to make a girl sleepy, so I've taken to wetting my hair before bed and turning all the fans up to 11. (This produces some knockout morning hair.)

I've tried plenty of things over the years to head off to Never Never Land: Tylenol PM, meditation, pot, Enya, white noise, beer, BBC series based on historical novels... nothing worked.

And researching cures for insomnia made the problem worse. I'd go to bed and stare at the ceiling wondering if the Elizabethan English solution of rubbing dormouse fat on the soles of my feet could actually do the trick. This obviously led to another hour or so of wondering where to procure dormouse fat. By dawn, I was worrying about how to get pesky dormouse fat stains out of sheets. Rinse and repeat with suggested food cures: fried lettuce, cherry juice or sea slug entrails. None of that made me sleepy, and besides, I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to eat before bed anyhow.

The Japanese started up a concert series, wherein folks pick a comfy chair and conk out while listening to what must be incredibly dull music. The sleep concert was turned into a CD and subsequently won a Gold Disc Award for Best Instrumental Album in 2008, but that was probably because the judges passed out and slept through the other nominated albums.

It was time to get serious.

It was time to contract mono.

According to friends (my own personal WebMD) I can only get mono by kissing high schoolers and I'll up my chances of getting mono (and going to jail) if I kiss a lot of them. One even told me I'd be eligible for short-term disability and while I didn't bother checking with HR, I did spend an evening imagining how glorious my paid mono vacation could be.

I could drag myself to the pool and pay someone to flip me over every fifteen minutes. After a month like that, I might awaken to discover my untended lady Fu Manchu had blossomed into a Rip Van Winkle beard, but I'd also wake up refreshed and bronzed.

But first I had to get mono.

It'd be easier (and legal-er) to farm the job out to a slightly older dude, like a "Dazed and Confused" Matthew McConaughey-type. But Mac stopped returning my calls like two months ago, so that's out.

votiwait - The Beatles (White Album) (mono)

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