Kelly: A Vancouver roller coaster to oblivion

It was a roller coaster of emotions in Vancouver last night.

One of those half-built roller coasters where you go up over the top and then fall 13 storeys off the edge and burst into flames.

Here’s how B.C.’s bitter disappointment unfolded in game time.

PRE-GAME

The CBC crew spends approximately 13 seconds pumping Roberto Luongo’s tires, before moving on to speculation that Tim Thomas turned water into wine at the team lunch.

The hype machine begins belching smoke as we repeatedly return to Vancouver’s streets, which look like Burning Man on pavement. They will look like The Walking Dead under cover of darkness.

“One team is going to plant their seed in history!” Ron MacLean says. Somewhere, a CBC script supervisor is thinking that he has to start proof reading MacLean’s copy.

FIRST PERIOD

2 min.: What’s this strange display? It looks curiously like high-quality, end-to-end hockey. What a fascinating strategic ruse.

5 min.: The odd behaviour continues — both goalies make big saves and no one’s been taken off on a stretcher.

7 min.: In the continuing psychological “Battle of the Recently Crippled” Vancouver’s Mason Raymond greets the crowd in a back brace. Nathan Horton goes looking for some bandages to wrap around his head.

13 min.: Patrice Bergeron tries to chop off Ryan Kesler’s hands with his stick. No call. Oh, it’s going to be that kind of Game 7.

14:37: Patrice (The Woodsman) Bergeron makes it 1-0 Boston. The guy who bought his tickets for eight grand a piece is thinking he should’ve got a Kia instead.

15:30: The white towels being waved by the Vancouver crowd no longer seem like they’re sending the intended message.

16:30: CBC colour guy Craig Simpson’s secret word of the day is “adversity.” Same as every other day.

19:45: Chris Higgins gives Zdeno Chara a flying east-west elbow to the head. No call. Maybe the teams will come out for the second with swords instead of sticks.

FIRST INTERMISSION

Don Cherry dismisses the Chara hit as “chintzy stuff.” Then he tells a story about how his finger got “buried right in (blank’s) eye” during a fight. “What a feeling that was,” Don chuckles. It occurs to me that Cherry wears those pink floral suits because, without their feminizing effect, he’d come off like a psychopath.

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